This year, for me, had been a year marked by loss.
First, the loss of my dad as I had known him my whole life, substituted for a cancer dad, and ultimately the complete loss of his life this fall.
Then, the loss of my cousin - unexpected and too soon.
Then when life seemed to have slowed down, there have been smaller losses; the loss of relationships, employees, and friends. My sense of purpose. My motivation. My joy. I feel completely defeated.
And now, I'm here feeling like this year I may have lost myself as well. My uncomplicated optimism that life works exactly how it is supposed to has been shaken and shattered. To be honest, I'd like nothing more than to give up on this life I've built for myself and trade it in for a beige cubicle, a bland boyfriend, and my allotted two weeks of vacation time every year where I go to the same destination because change is scary and what-if-it's-not-as-good-as-what-I-already-know. I find myself wishing for a life of mediocrity then feel appalled by the idea that I'm giving up. I feel bad then I feel bad for feeling bad.
I think it's uncomfortable for this to not have a positive end, but right now it doesn't. And maybe it won't. And maybe life is uncomfortable. And maybe giving up is when you listen to life telling you that you're doing the wrong thing. Maybe being lost is just who I am now.